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Crime Fiction is Silly
[ The Christmas Carol ]
As a young teenager I disliked Christmas so much that I wrote this lovely little lyric for an Xmas song : 

"Get Lost Santa" 
Christmas is a happy time, it comes but once a year 
And when the bells start ringing out they speak of warmth and cheer. 
When Santa comes upon his sleigh the gifts will flow like wine 
And then the kids all start to sing "Why, Santa, you're so kind". 

But Santa popped amphetamines - he freaked out on the way 
And so the people scream and shout "Hey, junky, go away". 
But then a man bursts from the crowd saying "Stop it, oh you things, 
Santa Is a real nice guy, think of the things he brings" 

[But they sing :] 
Get lost Santa, you dirty 'head' (get lost santa, g-get lost santa) 
Don't want you're gifts I'd rather be dead (get lost santa, g-get lost santa) 

I think that there's quite a bit more but, unfortunately, the ravages of time have stripped it from my memory. However, I'm fairly certain that Santa eventually kills himself because of the shame of he's inflicted upon Santa-dom and then everyone in the world becomes sad because (a) Santa wont be around to liven up Christmas with his ho-ho-hos and (b) more to the point, they won't get presents anymore. 

Now, there's a moral in these teen ramblings for all of us, isn't there? 

A little later on in life I finally managed to spend Christmas day all alone by myself. This had been an unacknowledged yearning on my part for many, many years and as this particular 25th December drew nearer I swear that I was as excited as a toddler awaiting the unveiling of the first present from beneath the tree. 

Needless to say, the actual day was a bit of a fizzer : I got drunk (no different to being with my family); I ate too much roast chicken (no different, again); I wore a stupid hat (as before) and I smoked a lot of cigarettes (that WAS different - I never smoked in front of my family). The main difference was that instead of becoming more and more annoyed with my family during the day, I became more and more annoyed with myself. And, to top it all off, the TV shows were all crap. 

It just goes to show that you can't have everything : but I still dislike Christmas - you can't take that away from me... 

Merry exmouth and a hippy dew deer...
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